This time last year i was packing up and moving into my new house. It was a hard thing to do, to pack up all our stuff and memories. And i remember feeling really depressed about it, but i was trying to act all happy and positive. I cried in the car all the way up here and wiped away the tears before i got out so no one could see. I wanted to move but i didn’t want to either. It was a confusing time. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen in my life next. Not knowing whether i was making the right decision or if i should have just stayed where i was. Would moving stress the kids out too much, were we going to be too far away from everything, would i get sick of driving an extra 15 minuets everywhere.
The first night we slept here was the worst. I was totally freaked out, the neighbors were having a party and were being really loud and over the top. Here i was in a new house, in a new street on my own with the kids surrounded by bogan a-holes screaming and swearing at 1am. What the hell was i doing here? I hardly slept at all that night, but it did get better. I slowly started getting use to things and it was nice setting everything up and packing things away. Sorting through rubbish and culling down the crap i had accumulated over the years.
I had no idea that in twelve months my life would change again dramatically. I was convinced then that i would grow old here, lonely and surrounded by cats. No one would ever want to be with me or give me the time of day. I was used, damaged goods with too much baggage. I was prepared to be lonely, and decided to fill up my time with things that i enjoyed, go back to Uni to start a new career, focus on me and the kids.
But lonely wasn’t fun after a while, so i started looking around on a few online dating sites. Even though it’s considered a pretty common, modern thing to do these days it still seems a little pathetic to admit that i was searching around online dating sites for company LOL. To be honest for a while i didn’t really have much luck. I met a few nice guys who i spoke to once or twice but nothing ever came of it, the whole idea of being with someone else still freaked me out considerably so i didn’t really put that much effort in. Anytime one of them asked to meet me in person i’d freak out, make excuses then stop talking to them (Yep…total weirdo). I’d cancel my account, then open it again…then cancel it…then open it. Over and over every few months. Something kept telling me to keep going back, keep looking, be patient.And i’m glad i listened because sometime in September i was contacted by a bloke. I don’t remember what made me start talking to him, his profile was very limited and didn’t really say that much about him, maybe i was just particularly bored and lonely that night LOL. I liked the look of his photo (he wasn’t morbidly obese, or dorky looking, or posing with his car/motorbike/truck/boat, or standing next to his ex…he was just a normal looking guy). We chatted for a while, i remember it was quite late at night and it was close to midnight by the time i signed off. We then chatted again the following night… and the night after that.
I found him to be very easy to talk to, we had been through similar ends to our last relationships. Both long term, both with kids…both involving the other person leaving pretty much out of the blue. He was funny, charismatic and we seemed to like ALL of the same things. At first i thought he was just saying that he liked all the same things as me to impress me…but it turns out we do actually think the same and have all of the same tastes in everything.
Anyway, after a week of chatting, he asked to meet up for coffee. The thing was, i didn’t do my freaky-freak run away thing. Every other time i have had a gut feeling that it wasn’t right, but this time without even thinking a single “what the hell am i doing” kind of thought i said yes. He called me up and we spoke on the phone a few times, very short sweet conversations because we were both very nervous. He then decided that he wanted to take me out for something a little more special than just coffee, he wanted to take me out to dinner…on a date…like adults. My “freak out” trigger switched on…i’d never been on a date. Ever. Even with Luke, i never remember him specifically taking me out to dinner at a restaurant on a date (before we were an official couple). Ever. But it felt right and after a minor breathing in to a paper bag type panic attack moment, i said sure. And he arranged to pick me up (omg! PICK me UP!) and take me out. We had to wait for a Tuesday night to come around, so i wouldn’t have the kids. By some small fluky coincidence Luke offered to take Noah for the night as well (a rare event) which meant that i was able to have the whole night child free.
He called a few times again during the week. I panicked about what i was going to wear. What if he doesn’t like me when he sees me, what if he thinks i’m fat/ugly/boring/dull/crazy. What if i don’t like him? What if he turns out to be a loser, or a freak or he murders me and bury’s my body in the woods…… yep, i was a hot mess.
Date night came around, i had told two close friends about it all, just to make sure that if i was never heard from again they would at least know his name and rough whereabouts to point the police in the right direction (paranoid much?). He was picking me up at about 6…i was showered, fluffed, dressed and ready to go by 4:30. I then walked around the house in circles trying not to freak out or vomit. (I found out later that he was JUST as freaked out as me and had to drink a can or too “for courage” before he came over LOL). The butterflies were going nuts in my tummy, i spent a good half an hour just sitting still and focusing on calming myself down.
Breath in. Breath out. All will be fine. He is just a person. It’s just a date. Nothing serious, if you don’t like him it doesn’t matter. just have fun.
By the time he got here i was much more in control of myself. I was still fighting off the urge to vomit and hide but i was in control. Then i opened the door and he smiled at me… I had only seen one photo of him up until then and I though to myself damn…he looks SO much better in real life. He wasn’t meant to be this cute. I then began to freak out again and get all self conscious. I was convinced that he was probably disappointed with me. I locked up the house and went out to his car, he opened the door for me and there was a rose on the seat waiting. We had an awkward conversation on the way but we both started to relax after a while and before log we were chatting like old mates.
Dinner was great, i thought i talked way too much (which i do when i’m nervous) but i had a great time. I thought he was awesome. I felt like i already knew him, like i had known him for years. He came in and had a coffee after dinner and then left at about 11:30. He sent me a text message about 5 min later telling me he had a great night and that he really likes me, and wants to see me again soon.
He came around for coffee again the next night…. and the night after that….and the night after that…..he then brought his kids around on Saturday and we all had tea together. The following week i went away with the kids to Venus bay for a week (man that was a LONG week), the day we got back he came over again. Then again….and again LOL…in fact, after that he never left. He practically moved himself in and started coming over right after work every day.
So in twelve months i have gone from being a sad and lonely single mum, moving into a new house and suburb with no idea what the future holds, to being in a wonderful relationship with the perfect man for me, i have four extra children to love and SOOOOOO much to look forward to in the future.
For those out there in a similar situation to what i was in (and i know there are a lot of you), i just wanted to send you my love and support. And i wanted to tell you that it is SO important to not give up the day before the miracle happens. There is life after separation and it can and will be SO much better than it was before. Take time to heal yourself because you can’t accept anyone else while you are still broken. Once you are open to change and able to focus on yourself and your new life you will recognize a good thing when it comes knocking on your door. Don’t be afraid. I am a huge believer in Karma and fate, and what i have been through in the past few months has reinforced that belief.
Everything happens for a reason. Just trust the process.
Merry Christmas xox