(Almost Home, 24x24in acrylic on canvas)
We are back from our fishing weekend, it was a successful trip but I feel like I need another to recover. 12 hrs a day out on a boat in very choppy weather takes its toll after a while. It didn’t help that I’ve been feeling terrible for a few weeks now either. I ended up in hospital last Tuesday night having heaps of tests done to try and work out what’s going on. Turns out that even the doctors can’t pinpoint the exact problem either. The best they could come up with was that I might have a lingering virus that is causing my body to be worn down. However the more I look into it and think about my symptoms the more I’m beginning to realise that it’s probably all caused by stress, anxiety and depression. The heart palpitations and the episode (or I should say episodes because I had another small one the other day) are probably panic attacks brought on by stress.
It’s not a nice thing to admit because I thought I was over all of that, or at least I believe that I should be over all that by now but maybe I’m not. But you know me, I like to keep it real around here. There is no point making everything look like its sunshine and lollipops when it’s not.
Stress has been building for a while now and i know its all stress that i put onto myself. Stress related to loosing control of the housework, lack of money, Noah’s speech development,
Kobys health issues, problems with Trents kids and the family dynamic, pressure to work more (mostly from myself), not feeling good enough at anything, dealing with my ex who to top it all off has just announced that he is engaged to his little miss “she totally gets me in every way but has nothing to do with why I’m leaving you” which I think was the straw that broke the camels back. It effected me more than I ever wanted to admit that it did, mostly because as I said before… I should be over that by now. Surely?
It’s a strange feeling, it’s not jealousy, it’s not resentment, its not disappointment, its not anger. But at the same time it’s all of the above. It’s complicated. But mostly I just hate hate HATE that what he does still effects me SO much when all I want is for it not to. All I want is to be able to say ‘I don’t care’ and mean it, because really when it boils down to it I don’t care but my head still insists on dredging up all the repressed feelings and emotions that I associate with him and I can’t stop it once it starts.
But from experience I know that this too shall pass, but I need to take it easy for a while and stop putting so much pressure on myself. Hopefully once I let this pass I will feel better again.
“The really crappy thing about grief is that you can’t control it, the best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes and let it go when we can. The very worst part is the minuet you think you are over it, it starts back up again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.”
– unknown author.
